Eat Like A Kid Diet

     Every so often I get a request for a copy of this column, one that I wrote last century (ok, it was the 90’s). It’s just as true today, only the players are different. Enjoy!

 Any woman who has given birth (no matter if it was 25 years ago) or man who wants to attend a high school reunion is going to be on the lookout for the newest diet to hit the market. The trouble with most diets, however, is that they don’t give you enough variation, variety or there are just too many steps (please, all you weight watchers devotes, don’t call me, I’ve been there and fallen flat on my face, into a bag of M&M’s 20 minutes after my first meeting).

            As sure as we all diet at some point in our life we will cheat on our diets, quit after 3 days, and go right back to their same old eating habits. Some die hards never give up and try every new fad, gimmick and product that hits the market. I even have one friend that is so optimistic that the next new stratagem is going work that she keeps a size 4 spandex jump suit in the front of her closet. She hasn’t been a size 4 since the 7th grade.

            Last week, however, after watching my 2 year old nephew Robbie eat the most bizarre and unusual kinds of food and still keep his boyish figure I realized that I had the answer to the dilemma that has plagued everyone who ever wanted to drop 5 pounds. I call it the EAT LIKE A KID AGAIN DIET.   

            This diet it truly unlike any diet you’ve ever tried and due to its “amusingly unique” nature April 1st is absolutely the perfect time for everyone to start it. It’s economical, has a wide variety of unusual items and in many cases offers unlimited amounts of specific foods. As with all diets, make sure you check with your physician (and any 2-year-old you know) before starting.

 

DAY ONE

Breakfast:

One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with any red jelly and 5 pieces of cubed cheese.  Eat 2 bites of the egg and, using your fingers, dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of the toast and then smear the jelly over your face and clothes. Don’t eat the cheese.

Lunch:

2 magic markers (permanent, non-toxic is preferred), a handful of corn chips and salsa, and a glass of milk (1 sip only, then refuse the rest).

Dinner:

A small toy, 1/2 a banana, a button, 4 sips of chocolate syrup and a Dr. Pepper.

Bedtime Snack:

A handful of Cheerio’s eat 6 and toss the rest on the floor.

DAY TWO

Breakfast:

Find the stale bagel (from yesterday that you hid in the closet) and eat it. Drink half bottle of “low fat” salad dressing or 6 glasses of apple juice.

Lunch:

Half a can of Play Dough and 2 doggie treats, (any flavor). Applesauce and strawberries until they come out your nose.

Afternoon Snack:

Play with any Popsicle until its sticky, take it outside, and drop it in the dirt.

Pick it up, don’t wipe it off and continue eating it until it’s totally clean again.  Then bring it inside, making sure to drip on the carpet, and flush it down the toilet.

Dinner:

A dirty stick with leaves on it or left over fried rice or what ever you didn’t fix for dinner.  Pour your grape juice over mashed potatoes eat 9 helpings while singing. Sneeze with your mouth full and hit the wall.

DAY THREE

Two frozen waffles with way too much syrup. Eat one waffle with your fingers and put the other in your pants, rub any leftovers on face and in your hair. Drink 1/16th of a glass of milk. After breakfast, discover a sucker in your underwear drawer and feed it to the dog.

Lunch:

An eraser and a tuna sandwich. Mash the sandwich into the table and pour your glass of milk on top. Cram the entire mess into your mouth and spit out half

Dinner:

Red pop that stains, chicken and the jelly beans from last week’s playgroup.

 DAY FOUR

Breakfast:

All the toothpaste you can squeeze before someone stops you and a pickle. Pour a glass of orange juice over bowl of Rice Crispies. Fling the bowl at anything that moves.

Lunch:

All the crumbs you can find on the kitchen floor and table as well as 3 apple slices.  Ice cream after a 30 minute hissy fit.

Dinner:

A bowl of spaghetti and chocolate milk (literally a bowl of spaghetti and chocolate milk after you mix them together). Leave handprints of sauce on every surface you can reach ( this is a great aerobic work out because inevitably someone will be chasing you). An entire package of gum for dessert.

DAY FIVE

Breakfast:

Macaroni and cheese

Lunch:

Macaroni and cheese

Dinner:

Macaroni and cheese

Day Six

Breakfast:

Macaroni and cheese

Lunch:

Macaroni and cheese

Dinner:

Refuse any and all Macaroni and cheese. Wake up at 3 am and demand Macaroni and cheese.

DAY SEVEN

Breakfast:

Reject everything offered and then whine for 20 minutes. Demand popcorn and candy. Settle for grapes.

Lunch:

8 slices of leftover pizza

Dinner:

Chicken, green beans, and potatoes. Scare everyone by actually eating everything and refusing dessert.

(c) Eileen Goltz

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